


Letters From the Moon and the Sun

by Eloquent_Vowel



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Confessions, First Kiss, Getting Together, I'm trying my best here, Lonely Wizards, Love Letters, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 17,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25405273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eloquent_Vowel/pseuds/Eloquent_Vowel
Summary: With nothing better to do on the 'Ball-Eater' Caleb's thoughts wander to a certain drow wizard. After all he has faced with the Nein he knows that life is shorter than he would like. So due to new revelations and nothing better to do Caleb writes a letter.Essek has had an emotional revelation, it is almost too much to handle and then a letter arrives to his tower throwing him into further turmoil. With his past looming over his head he makes up his mind, there is only one choice that makes sense. So he writes a letter.A series of Letters written by Caleb and Essek
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 20
Kudos: 120





	1. Confessions from the sea

Essek,  
Words are complicated vices, they shift and change from speaker to recipient. I have spent most of my life using words in meanings that I do not believe in so convincingly that I forgot what it was like to use words based on truth. So while I find words easy to speak- I find it hard to be transparent in their meaning. So while on the sea, where we finally have time for reflection, I shall attempt to write with clarity so the letters themselves cannot shift in your perception.

My mind wanders here, surrounded by nothing but horizons and salty air, more often than not I find my thoughts drifting to you. At first when trying to improve my spellbook, I floated back to your tower where you, Veth and I finally completed a long awaited task. How everything flowed completely and then I wished you were here - to discuss and learn from. I even allowed myself to imagine the sound of chalk on stone to fill the silence.

Then it was when casting Fortune’s favour on Fjord. As I imagined your hand beside mine. I, mirroring your movements, being greeted with pleasant warmth of success filling my chest as if I had successfully cast it for the first time. Reminded of everytime Fortune Favoured us, saved us, which led to me thinking of you that night. In the ship’s belly, remembering the feelings of betrayal, at first, the twisting anger that someone we had considered a friend was a liar. It would be unfair to not mention my personal distrust of you when we first met and any ulterior motive you may have had- never did I theorize the truth. But with your confession I can safely say that the harboured distrust I felt, faded.

I saw yourself in me and me in you. Those similarities seemed to scream at me and I couldn’t find myself hating you or what you did. For if I could forgive myself through the Nein, then I could also forgive you, and perhaps you could forgive yourself. I wish that you could have met Molly.

From that night I have not been able to dissuade you from my mind. Thoughts of concern for you have never left me and surprisingly I often wish that you were here, so that I know of your safety. I have not attempted to delve into hidden meanings of these thoughts, as the conclusion has become transparent in my eyes. I will entrust this letter to Frumpkin as I have learnt that nothing in our future’s is certain. It is better to not regret inaction as there is no fate that is concrete. Besides- our chosen path has led us into the arms of oblivion more than once.

Be well and do not regret,  
Caleb.


	2. Confessions from the tower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek has had an emotional revelation, it is almost too much to handle and then a letter arrives to his tower throwing him into further turmoil. With his past looming over his head he makes up his mind, there is only one choice that makes sense. So he writes a letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have decided to put the two parts of this series together in order. What started as a short series that I planned to keep as just letters has formed a story that just doesn't fit the structure I started with!
> 
> I am so sorry if this causes any confusion, this will now be known as Letters of the Moon and the Sun, I'll keep the separate Letters to the Sun up for a while, while I sort everything out :)
> 
> Thank you for reading and please enjoy!

> _"From that night I have not been able to dissuade you from my mind. Thoughts of concern for you have never left me and surprisingly I often wish that you were here, so that I know of your safety. I have not attempted to delve into hidden meanings of these thoughts, as the conclusion has become transparent in my eyes. I will entrust this letter to Frumpkin as I have learnt that nothing in our future’s is certain. It is better to not regret inaction as there is no fate that is concrete. Besides- our chosen path has led us into the arms of oblivion more than once._
> 
> _Be well and do not regret,_  
>  _Caleb."_

Caleb,

I agree, words are complicated vices and the notion of corrupting their meaning resonates with me. You are not wrong in saying that we are similar, but you give me too much credit. While elements of us are similar, there is one key distinction. You have furthered your goals while serving others whereas I have done everything I can to serve myself. I am, at my heart, a selfish creature and one that has never truly known friendship until recently. A creature who did not know the pleasures of deep emotional connection until it met the Nein and more specifically, you.

For someone preaching the clarity of your words, you have certainly thrown my thoughts into murky turmoil. I pride myself on being a man of logic and reasoning, a man who would do whatever possible to further his pursuit of knowledge. I am unfamiliar with the workings of emotion, the feelings of the heart, so I shall stick with what is familiar, the facts.

I cannot deny that I hold you in high regard, this much I know however I find myself unable to send my reply to you. Reason being, my position in the Dynasty is one I have worked hard for and protect with shaky guard, to take a human companion- one from the empire at that- would be a blow to my credibility and place you in the many eyes of the court, including those who would wish to hurt you. Secondly, I am of Elven blood and by my very nature shall outlive you, while the notion of growing with you is beautiful the idea of you fading away is an ugly truth. There is also the small matter of the sun, I am unable to live comfortably in the sunlight and knowing you, you would live willingly in the darkness for me. I cannot allow you, in good conscience, to live without light in an unfamiliar place with me. Lastly, I am frightened. I would never say this to you, but I am scared of the unknown territory I now face. Terrified of losing you and then losing myself, petrified that I would drag you down into the political serpentine I weave, that if my past were ever to catch up to me that you could be forfeit. There are so many variables that I cannot account for and so, although this pains me, I shall not reply to your letter as I swore to never lie to you again.

I write this to rest my thoughts, to alleviate some of the guilt that I feel but it is better you think of me as a selfish creature and forget me, compared to being tied to someone who would just bring you down. As for forgiveness, I am not sure I am capable of understanding forgiving myself as I have only just recently begun to regret what my self-serving actions caused. The worrying thing is that I never felt a shred of regret until you all looked at me with such betrayal, with such hurt. When you, Caleb, walked towards me and whispered words of comfort, my mind recalls this moment frequently and every time I feel regret blossom in my chest, it seemed as if my actions fell around me and I was standing on a podium surrounded by the destruction I caused, for the first time I felt true guilt. Forgiveness is hard to do as I have only just begun to feel guilt and time has yet to let me take control over my conscience.

For now I shall continue on as always, try to forget every action that I regret and not allow myself to regret another,

Essek.


	3. Campfires and sunsets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am planning something with this series, in theory the first part is Caleb's POV and the second part is Essek's and I will try updating them side by side. Hopefully it becomes clear which letters were sent and which were not. Thank you for reading!

Essek,

Upon receiving no reply, I am not sure I expected one, I am left to draw two conclusions. One being that you have seen my letter and decided it contradictory to your own feelings and elected to ignore mine. ~~Perhaps you saw me as inadequate to stand beside.~~ The second conclusion, and one I will choose to follow, is that you have read my letter and do not have the means to reply. I know that a physical letter is impossible given our current location and the use of the sending spell uses too few words to express yourself fully. Perhaps I have made you think, I shall believe that you are taking my words into consideration and pondering upon yourself and your actions.

It has only been days since my first letter and we have already brushed death once, this time in the form of a Dragon Turtle who may or may not be out for our blood now. Luckily, we made it to shore safely. But I am not sure if we have gone from the frying pan and into the fire, as they say.

The villagers at Rumblecusp are peaceful in the most disturbing way. There is something, someone, in the mists here- or at least we think there is. Whatever it is, the village seems to have forgotten everything that came before the island. It should not be as off putting as it is and yet I cannot shake the feeling that something is terribly wrong, something important- missing. This is accompanied by the constant sensation that something is watching us. An unending presence that sticks to the back of the neck. We are constantly fighting the urge to look over our shoulders to check if there is someone following us. For all we have faced, all the death, destruction and politics, I have never felt as unsettled. Seeing the village has frightened us all, we are all terrified of losing ourselves that we check every morning and night that we still remember who we are. Call me a fool but I do not wish to lose the few memories I have of you.

Memories are fickle things, the mind is weak, I know this better than most. I spent a large portion of my life lost inside my own mind, haunted with magic while stuck chasing power. I often thought and still sometimes think that if I forget my past demons then life would be simpler, happier. But now I am faced with the evidence of such a deal. I consider this letter to be a reminder to myself, that there is someone outside of this island who I wish to return to, something important I must resolve.

I tried once more to focus, to design, this time in front of a campfire surrounded by the noises of my friends and the cheers of children. Still, despite this distraction, I find myself drifting. The fire is warm against my face, the flames are destructive and haunting yet still carry a comfort that I have strangely missed. The faint orange glow of ember reminds me of the sunsets from late night watches, I wish that you could see how glorious the sun is when it is fading. Sometimes, it almost seems as if the sun is casting a shadow on the ground as it takes up a third of the horizon. Each sunset I have seen has been different, sometimes the sun has remained a bright yellow but my favourite has been when the sun has sunk into a deep red. From this large red star swirls shades of orange and yellow that ignites the sky into deep tones of flame. By far the most beautiful has been when from this fiery display blooms soft pinks, small flowers that rise from the flame and soften the sky even when the sun has set. My thoughts dragged me to see you and I sitting on a hilltop, where I do not know, next to one another watching the sight before us and the warm breeze carried a feeling of peace. While our faces were in shadow the sight before us was bright. I could feel so vividly that the warmth I felt from the fire was in reality the warmth I could feel from you, in such proximity to me.

My thoughts were of course cut off by beau, in her usual fashion, as she punched the small globule of light l use to write by. Thankfully too preoccupied by her curiosity and boredom to notice what I was writing. I swear her curiosity, while endearing, will be the death of us all one day and certainly will if she keeps all those fireworks.

I am certain that I shall never send this letter, it is too full of fantasy. I am determined to not send another until I receive your reply but until thought of you has left my head I shall continue to write them in the hopes that I may someday move on. It is naive of me to feel so deeply about someone I have met so briefly, yet I cannot manage to detach myself.

I hope you are well, best wishes,  
Caleb.


	4. The Past is the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb reflects on his decisions. Mild spoilers for ep102

Essek,

The truth we discovered was unsurprising to us. There is an entity masquerading as a God and those who live in this village have unwillingly forgotten everything about themselves, a curse fixed with a simple spell. But the reason I am writing today, the reason I have put pen to paper is the past. In order to appease this entity, I hesitate to call it a God, we had to give offerings- not of gold or platinum. No, what satisfied the creature was magical items and what I gave was simple, my necklace. A necklace I believe you are familiar with the functionality of. While there were other items I could have given, other riches I might have presented in that moment I made a choice, a choice to change. 

Now I know that Trent knows who I am, knows who I am with, it seems trivial to keep such a trinket. It no longer serves its purpose and in reality all it was, was a memento from a past that once was my sole motivator. I chased the idea of revenge around my head and the thought has not left me but now instead is in my grasp. We have already shifted the power of two great nations and I know that with the Nein by my side there is a chance that we could complete my mission. I trust the Nein, I trust them to stay by me when we finally stand against the cancer which plagues our country. I gave my anonymity to stand side by side with them and in doing so feel as if I have freed a weight from my shoulders- or neck in this case.

I write this to remind myself that the past is the past and although it may affect the future do not let it affect you in the here and now.

Best wishes,  
Caleb


	5. Reflections on Candlelight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek cannot get Caleb out of his head. Trying to get his head in order Essek writes a letter never meant to be sent, reflecting on his affections.

Caleb,

I believe that my affections towards you became apparent to me after the dinner we shared at your home. It is not as if I was ignorant to my attraction towards your intellect but I believed that my attraction was that of a brief affection which would come to pass in time. But then there were the small things that you noticed, small things which you cared to help me with. It is worrying how easily you were able to read my discomfort at the situation I put myself in, perhaps you could relate to my struggle. When Frumpkin landed on my lap, whether you were trying to win my favour or not, you knew the comfort which a warm presence brings. Then you turned the conversation into the political, that you noticed I was uncomfortable talking about myself and changed the conversation to what is known, in that moment I felt an immense gratitude towards you that deepened my affection further. It occurred to me, after the fact, that you may have only been fishing for information but I appreciated the change in topic nonetheless.

The wine had gone to my head and so I spoke more freely than I would have normally, I spoke directly to you. Looking back on my own actions I do not know if I should interpret them as misshapen flirting or targeted manipulation- the line between the two became quite blurred by this point. We shared an understanding that night. The pursuit of knowledge is one of the most rewarding parts of life and I believe that you would agree with me on this. I remember your eyes in the candle light. They shined brightly, excitedly, they drew me into the spark of intrigue and convinced me that you were equal to my intellect and shared a passion that we could pursue together. Oh, the ideas of you in my library, nose in a book, eyes holding that same spark. Our only company, the wrinkle of turning pages and the scratches of pen on parchment. My library now feels empty.

Friends were unfamiliar to me and I confess that my immediate motivation for returning for dinner was an unpleasant one. My first thought was of extracting any information I could from you, all of you, to use against you should the time arise for it. In hindsight, that was only an excuse for me to allow myself to experience something I previously considered a weakness. But you are all so painfully endearing, your charms lie in the bumbling chaos that the Nein embody effortlessly and the intelligence which that chaos hides. I came to the realisation that I actually liked your misfit group of mercenaries and that partiality grew throughout the evening as I got to know you more. I grew to admire the freedom of thought you all contain. It may be Jester’s influence that has made you all this free but it is refreshing and that night was one of the most memorable I have, the other being of creating that spell with Veth and you.

It is ridiculous that I am incapable of thinking of Jester without feeling my cheeks tense with an unwilling smile. I shall tell you a secret; her jovial, untimely messages have brought small joy into my days and even when she is quiet I can spend my day almost looking forward to her interruptions. It pains me to admit that I actually like her enthusiasm, so contradictory to my own, that has the unavoidable side effect of rubbing off on you. I confess to completely dissociating while she talks for most of the time, specifically when she talks of the Traveler. But I respect her devotion although I do not understand her faith. While her logic may be slightly flawed, she certainly has an unique way of looking at the world.

At the end of that night, when it was almost just the two of us. I distinctly remember thinking, the moment you asked to follow me to my home, that I would express my gratitude towards you and I cannot deny the brief thoughts I had of you on my doorstep under lamplight. There is little I know of romance that I have not read in books and so I assume you can imagine where that small trail of thought led. But then Beau and her neverending brashness halted me, I am glad she did.

This was the moment which cemented the panic in my head, the revelation about the worrying depth of my affections. I wanted to impress you with my home, no other thoughts entered my mind other than the desire to prove my worth to you. It is a childish notion that I am not proud of. I am a man of over a century and yet there I was standing by my home staring at you to find some hint of curiosity in your eyes. The thrill that went through me when you asked for my services, my help and the connection that I felt towards you filled me with the overwhelming urge to please you and to sell my strengths to you.

I suppose that that is why I was so liberal with my use of magic that morning. It seemed a waste to use magic to shift furniture but seeing the twitch of impressed surprise on your brow made any energy I expended worth it. I found myself asking you for help with my eyes before I could stop my actions and so, I had to fight the smile from my face when you saved me from Beau and her rather intense personality. Then we were in my laboratory and the anticipation that filled my bones was something that I had not felt in a long time. The excitement of designing a new spell, the thrill that came with completing a previously impossible equation fades with time. I do not mean to sound boastful when I say, that there have been few problems that have really challenged me mentally in recent decades. This excitement paired with the pride I felt when you complimented the beauty of my laboratory almost pierced through the careful facade I have composed during my time as the Shadowhand.

The image of you, head slightly tilted back, your hair reflecting the candle light and that same glint of excitement in your eyes as the candles lit up the room- this image I can still picture so vividly and quite often I will close my eyes and there you will be. Sometimes surrounded by notebooks and parchment, you talk animatedly and although it is not clear what you are saying, the enthusiasm of your gestures warm my heart and occasionally bring a smile to my face. We worked together so seamlessly, my motivations for completing the spell were twofold. I wished to solve this riddle myself, I saw a challenge in your works and my mind focused on the possibility of success. I also wished to please you, to make you happy. It was as simple as that, any additional benefit was trivial in comparison. By far the best reward was the brief physical affection I received from you, that made my blood flow faster and heart beat into my ears. Brief but warm, a warmth that passed through my body as fire.

My admiration for your intellect, gratitude to your meticulous nature and affection for your passion culminated in my liking towards you. But until I could tell you the whole truth of who I was, what I did, I did not want to pursue my interest. But we both know where those truths fell and now I find myself trapped in the unknown state of vulnerability that I do not know to navigate. So I am fleeing, fleeing from you and your curious eyes.

I hope someday you can forgive me, and then forget me.

Essek.


	6. The Difference Between Nightmares and Dreams is Thinner than a Razor's Edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one and I have taken some liberties with Caleb's backstory so I am diverging from the Canon here and from this point onward. I apologise to Mr. Liam O'Brien in advance... thank you for sticking with this series and please enjoy!

Essek,

Perhaps it is the loss of the necklace, perhaps it is the lack of your reply but suddenly I have found myself doubting. Doubting my feelings, my sanity, my friends and my mind. I had begun to think that my past would no longer stalk me in the night and that all that I chased was in my grasp. But my nights are plagued with dreams of them, of her, and I have started to doubt that my feelings that have grown for you are not some misguided sentiment that I could save you from yourself. I have failed to get my thoughts in order, my nights have been filled with dreams of what I once had merged with what I want now and I wake feeling lost, confused and angry. I believe it is time I tell you about Astrid.

There were three of us, Astrid, Eodwulf and I. Three promising students that came from nothing and were promised everything, without being told that everything came with a price. We came from the same town, we had grown up together so we were familiar with each other. Yet the bond that grew between the three of us became stronger than anything I had known before, our relationships were born of mutual suffering and the shared goal we had to serve our country and in doing so unlock a power that none had seen before.

Eodwulf was a strong man, but not strong willed, as we grew it became apparent that he had a talent for following orders and the ability to meld his thoughts into those of others not his own. He was never the smartest man and often relied on the intellect of others to guide him, that is not to say he was incapable but his usual approach lacked a subtlety allowed by foresight. It is safe to say that I did not know him in the same way I knew Astrid but our friendship was that of brothers. Where I lacked in body, Eodwulf made up for in brute strength. Where he lacked arcane capabilities, I made up for in a keen memory. He was simple and predictable which is why, I believe, that he was the first to follow Ikithon’s instructions. Neither I nor Astrid knew what happened in that house but knowing Eodwulf, I place my bets that the act was simple, efficient and unwavering. He showed no hesitation and was steadfast in his opinions, this made him a valuable friend and will make him a painful enemy.

Then there was Astrid. Astrid and I, for lack of a better term, were together. The relationship itself hovered on the verge of forbidden which made it all the more addictive. Deep affection held the possibility of weakness in the eyes of our teachers, this didn’t stop us. One thing I must make clear is how young we were when everything happened, all three of us hardly brushing adulthood and already had our futures decided for us. It hurts my soul that there are more children out there, being used, manipulated and lied to. But that was the thing, Astrid was a master of cunning and knew what words should be placed where, which brick should be removed to make the whole wall tumble down. When she was on your side you felt unstoppable. With my intellect and her wits paired with Eodwulf’s force there was no questioning why the three of us had been trained together. The few memories that have lasted with me of Astrid have never left me, they have constantly been on my mind especially at night where there is little else to distract me. There was a brief period where thoughts of her were swayed by dreams of you but even that brief fantasy has ended. 

Once when dancing, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the memory of Astrid teaching me to waltz. We had been preparing for a training ball, a simple political affair where we would be able to brush elbows with important members of the Assembly but no one of the highest standing. I have never been a skilled dancer, the idea of eyes on me watching intently for me to take a misstep never let me relax into the music. Astrid, however, was a fantastic dancer, easily impressing others and always managed to woo the most introverted guests. We were in my small room in the Academy, barely enough room to shuffle an awkward waltz sequence from end to end. I remember looking down at my feet in intense concentration, Astrid correcting me in the steps. Voice soft yet certain and movements flowing yet precise. I would stand on her toes on purpose, just to hear her laugh slightly at my mistakes. This memory was fleeting but has never left me once it was recalled.

Last night I thought of her, of us, in the fields of Blumenthal just before the night I followed my final orders. The sun was warm and the air still. We sat under an oak tree surrounded by a field of wild daisies, their white heads swaying slightly around us. The smell of those flowers still follows me, not their perfume, but the smell of them as they burnt that night leaving a field of charcoal in their place. I do not wish to remember what we said to one another, all I want to recall is the feeling of total contentment I felt. My future place in the Empire was solid and I was going to be able to learn all I could, I could earn money and help my parents prosper. How wrong I was. But Astrid was happy, her smile bright and her laughter echoing, she was the one who had melded so well with Ikithon’s training and the one who had comforted both Eodwulf and I when the training had pushed us to breaking point. It is only now I realise that she never reached her breaking point, or never allowed herself to show weakness in front of us.

Perhaps I should not have seen her that day. I thought it would offer me closure to see what she had become but instead there were new feelings brought up, new insecurities that began to invade my mind. The worst part was that some of my feelings from the past were revived, looking into the eyes of unshakeable pride that was still so familiar to me after all these years. Her voice was soft as before, her words measured as always but there was a power that surrounded her that made me feel weak, that I failed. One good thing that came from this encounter is that I realised how much the world had changed, how much I had changed. The knowledge I now know allowed me to separate myself only slightly from the man she knew. When she showed me I had hurt her in my strife, I was hit with a wave of guilt and self-loathing that I had thought was behind me. The way she spoke made me believe, even briefly, that I had followed the path that they had wanted me to follow. That all this was emotional manipulation to lead me down the path of the vagrant only to return to them with power they did not know I could wield. I had surpassed their expectations. Expectations I no longer want to fulfill. They can keep their expectations. Her words were cutting as a double edged sword, they hid her ambition while expressing it almost explicitly. Her compliments had the air of insincerity but I felt as if they could be sincere. 

As she spoke she always included herself with the Assembly, always ‘we’, ‘our’ but she spoke of controlling the Assembly’s forces for good. But I know that her pride and ambition could drive her to take actions to further her own goals and unlike you and me, she will likely feel no self-hatred on her conscience even though I hope she will. I had to explain that the failings I carry with me are not the failings for the Empire but the failing towards my family and the look of pity, of phantom pain on her face frustrated me. I told her about Ikithon’s lies and all she could do was apologise to me for the pain that I faced. I know Astrid and so I do not doubt her apology was sincere but her tone suggested that she felt no personal affinity for me rather a sweeping apology for life itself. She confessed that she is haunted as I am but lives with the idea that her choices save the many, so who would miss the few? These words were perhaps supposed to comfort me yet instead made me angry, frustrated. These were not the words of the girl I used to know, but instead of Ikithon’s. I realized that in front of me was a woman whose heart was blinded by ambition and whose mind was filled with power. Power that she is close to obtaining.

I almost stayed that night, I almost fell into the past, I almost ran back to the field of wild daisies into childhood that I have longed to return to for so long. But I did not. At this time, you were an ally, a friend and perhaps I began to feel a deep respect for you that built the foundation of my affections. Unfortunately, I cannot lie and say that you were on my mind at that time as my thoughts were a haphazard jumble of memories and trauma that I am still sifting through. 

It is suitable that she chose poison. The method matches her attitude perfectly. The smiles of her parents' faces as we ate together for the first time in years, I can still see them clearly. The look of pride in their eyes and the shared happiness we all felt, until their faces went slack, then contorted, then still. Astrid simply walked away from the table in silence. Neither Eodwulf or I were in any state to follow her; we just sat there in shock. I remember questioning if I knew the woman before me or I had fallen in love with an idea, an image. I am worried that I have once again fallen for an idea. 

It is always surprising how effective words are at sorting out my thoughts. The act of writing with ink on parchment seems to calm any storm that begins to brew in my mind. I cannot say with complete confidence that tomorrow will be as defined as today and that my certainty of my feelings towards you will remain consistent in their strength. But I know that you will remain deep rooted somewhere in my psyche. I hope that at least for tonight I will be able to rest with a silent mind and finally sleep.

I hope you rest well,  
Caleb.


	7. Reflections and Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having had time to reflect on his past choices Essek cannot settle his mind, so he does the one thing that worked for him before he writes them all down on paper. A letter never meant to be sent, but just might be received.

Caleb,

I learnt very early on in my life that people compliment you on what they perceive as different and those compliments masquerade as thinly veiled insults. Many complimented me on my intelligence and arcane ability while simultaneously plotting ways to feeble my mind and take my one blessing from me. The reason I think of this now is because I have been doing a lot of reflection on my past self. There has been little reason for me to look back on the boy I was, but since your first letter I have been inspired to scrutinise my past decisions and since it is hard to keep a steady stream of conscience when looking back on painful memories I shall write.

I was born into Den Thelyss, this you already know, and from a young age I was told that I was a prodigy. I debate whether I truly was a prodigy or that my mother’s influence over me pushed me past any limits I might have had. When I say that the Nein were my first true friends I did not exaggerate. There was little time for anything else other than study, networking and the ever present need to please my mother. My mother never allowed me out of her sight and I measured my worth through her eyes, my worth was my dunamantic ability and I was going to bring prosperity to my Den.

Den Thelyss has always been a present and accomplished Den but had never held much sway in the Kryn Dynasty’s inner sanctum and a seat within the Queen’s inner circle had been their goal for many lifetimes. When the Skysybil took notice of my talents it felt as if all that I had sacrificed during my childhood was worth it. Every distant jeer, every jealous gaze and every disappointed look in my mother's eyes seemed trivial to the pride I felt. With one foot into the Lucid Bastion the weight of my entire Den’s expectations fell on my shoulders, they all acted as if I was the sole child of Den Thelyss. There was no ball that they went to where my name was not on their lips. They spoke my name with pride, those who had once doubted my power revered me, feared me and I felt- for the first time- that my worth was my own, earned on my own merit and I became determined to remove their expectations from my shoulders by breaking every last one of them.

I became reclusive from my Den, began my research into the Beacons searching for ways to surpass my mother’s will and forge my own seat in the Queen’s court. I began to look not only into ways of magic, but of strategy and planning. It is during this time where two things happened, I learned of the Cerberus Assembly and my youngest brother Verin was born.

I hate that I must admit to working with the Assembly after knowing what happened to you but there is no point denying the truth. I worked with the Assembly to further my knowledge, to understand more of the beacon and to secure my place in the Bastion. I told everyone what they wanted to hear while also including evidence of my own expertise and eventually this led to my appointment as Shadowhand.

I thought that with this new title my family would recognise me and celebrate me but during my time working I had lost contact with my family. I had receded into my studies and in trying to defy their expectations I had conformed to every single one. They still boasted about me at parties, used my name to socially climb above the rest but there was very little personal connection between myself and my family. Except for my mother. When news of my appointment reached her she appeared on my doorstep, she no longer had that disappointed look in her eyes when she spoke.

“You have done well son, but what now? This cannot be the height of your potential.”

I have never forgotten those words. They have been ever present in the back of my mind as I searched for more power, more security and strived to know the truth behind the beacons they worship. Everything I would do, everything I have done was to raise me and my Den up in the hierarchy of the Dynasty and if that took dismantling it’s religion, I would do so. Eventually my own ambitions surpassed even that of my Den’s and I found that everyone around me seemed pathetically weak-minded and so came the last string that I cut with my family. While I had conformed to my family's wishes I found ambition of my own. All I wished was to learn, achieve knowledge and set myself entirely selfish goals, this I believe you might understand- slightly.

I mentioned my youngest brother, Verin. I feel as if he is important to this narrative as he has shaped my life in ways he could not imagine. While my mother imposed her ambitions upon me, my father shaped Verin into the man he is today. Verin is no prodigy, he holds no real power and no real ambition, he only holds a sword and conceited words of victory. And yet he has a place in the Bastion, his seat across from mine taunts me. The very seat which I sacrificed everything for, I gave up my childhood, my family and any of my own personal needs to get and he, with his smiles and swords and speeches had it handed to him. You remember when I told you the worst thing I had ever done was send my father to battle unprepared, that was not the entire story. When news of Verin’s potential appointment reached my desk, I panicked and acted rashly. I sent Verin into Bazzoxan under the guise of a test to see if he was worthy of the title of Taskhand. Part of me did not believe that he would fall for such a simple trap, but he did. Unfortunately, my father came to my study that afternoon asking after Verin and I got cocky. The rest you can probably deduce. What is explicitly true is that upon his return, I had no choice but to help appoint Verin as Taskhand to dissuade anyone from believing that I would turn against my own Den. Since then it has been Verin’s name on my Den’s lips, they speak of his bravery and heroism at the loss of his father and commend him on his talent as a swordsman. I have tried in vain to not allow this fact to motivate me but in the deepest part of my subconscious I know that I wish to overthrow my brother who took something I had worked for with ease. He has the audacity to claim that he did not even want the title, that he only wanted to make his father proud. He is an un-ambitious fool with very little intelligence and whose only good merit is his heart.

During my time reflecting on myself, I have come to realise that I am jealous of Verin. It wounds my pride to admit to, we may never see eye to eye but perhaps I shall apologise to him one day. When I have re-measured my worth and perhaps finally let go of my mother’s words. I believe that this task would be a lot simpler if I had someone by my side to converse with, to provide a differing perspective. It would have to be someone of equal intellect to me, someone who would bother to understand me and listen. In my mind that person is you. We have bounced ideas off one another before so well perhaps we may do so again?

This is a vain hope that shall never come into fruition, I do not have the confidence to send this letter,

Essek.


	8. Why Jester is the best matchmaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two wizards wrote letters that were never meant to be read by anyone but a lovely blue tiefling had other plans;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey if you hadn't already this series might make a bit more sense if you check out the second part to the series 'letters to the sun' which contains Essek's letters. You do not have to finish this part before reading the other and they can be read apart. Do not feel like you have to! Thank you for reading this little series. <3

> _During my time reflecting on myself, I have come to realise that I am jealous of Verin. It wounds my pride to admit to, we may never see eye to eye but perhaps I shall apologise to him one day. When I have re-measured my worth and perhaps finally let go of my mother’s words. I believe that this task would be a lot simpler if I had someone by my side to converse with, to provide a differing perspective. It would have to be someone of equal intellect to me, someone who would bother to understand me and listen. In my mind that person is you. We have bounced ideas off one another before so well perhaps we may do so again?_
> 
> _This is a vain hope that shall never come into fruition, I do not have the confidence to send this letter,_
> 
> _Essek._

Essek,

I apologise for my friend’s actions. When Jester handed me a letter with your handwriting on the cover I thought that it was your reply for my very first letter, but the contents of it was deeply personal to you and I feel guilty for having read it. I confronted Jester, she confessed to seeing a letter I had written to you and sent it without my permission. I suppose I was tempting fate by putting it in an envelope but I have always been in two minds about sending anything to you. I know which letter it is and so I know what you must think of me now that you know my deepest thoughts, as I now know yours.

I am sorry, Essek, for this and I wish that I could remain angry at Jester but you know what she is like. This note is rushed, I am afraid that if I do not take action now I will loose confidence in myself. The last paragraph of your letter meant something to me and if you wish we may discuss it, or perhaps I shall return your letter to you but you shall have to tell me if that is the case.

Caleb.


	9. The Crow Flies to the South

For once Essek came home not wanting to work anymore. He had spent his entire day meeting with small groups of prison guards about conditions in the Dungeon of Penance and his mind felt numb from every menial detail he was forced to pay attention to. What was even worse was that he had to work alongside Verin, who was more than happy to question every single issue any soldier had. It was all Essek could do to not slouch and roll his eyes when the fifteenth guard complained of nausea when moving, then having to repeat the same answer again and again about the slight drawbacks to manipulating the very fabric of time.

It was the greatest relief to unclasp the heavy mantle from his shoulders and fall onto the couch by the fireplace, conveniently an already open bottle of dark wine was on the end table and Essek gratefully helped himself- straight from the bottle. He flicked his wrist to light the fire and found himself drawn into the warm, orange, crackling flames. His insides warmed by the liquor and skin warmed by the flames led to him trancing off slightly, allowing his mind to wander. He thought of company, imagining a figure sitting on the couch when he entered his home. The figure, illuminated by firelight, would be reading but their attention would be drawn to Essek once he entered. They would smile, approach and remove the mantle from his shoulders, discarding it to the floor. They would walk together, and lie together sharing wine and fine literature. Reddish hair would fall over Essek’s shoulders as arms would wrap around his waist.

A pecking at his window broke him from this trance, he flinched at the sound, hurriedly unwrapping his arms from around himself. Wine bottle still in hand, he headed to the window to see a familiar orange bird. Essek swiftly unlatched the window, only watching as the bird flew in, dropped a small piece of paper on the table and flew deftly out.

Essek stared at the paper, his name was written on the corner in neat and measured handwriting. Familiar. Painfully familiar. His heartbeat picked up in his ears but curiosity outweighed any fear that filled him. Heavy steps took him to the table, he gulped from the bottle and opened the letter without hesitation.

> _Essek,_
> 
> _I apologise for my friend’s actions. When Jester handed me a letter with your handwriting on the cover I thought that it was your reply for my very first letter, but the contents of it was deeply personal to you and I feel guilty for having read it. I confronted Jester, she confessed to seeing a letter I had written to you and sent it without my permission. I suppose I was tempting fate by putting it in an envelope but I have always been in two minds about sending anything to you. I know which letter it is and so I know what you must think of me now that you know my deepest thoughts, as I now know yours._
> 
> _I am sorry, Essek, for this and I wish that I could remain angry at Jester but you know what she is like. This note is rushed, I am afraid that if I do not take action now I will lose confidence in myself. The last paragraph of your letter meant something to me and if you wish we may discuss it, or perhaps I shall return your letter to you but you shall have to tell me if that is the case._
> 
> _Caleb._

Essek swore out loud, immediately searching his desk. Throwing crumpled pieces of paper to the side, looking desperately for the letter he had written last night. When he couldn’t find it he felt dread grip his stomach. His fingers pulled at his hair, his mind working overtime to find a way to fix this.

It was in the midst of this panic when Essek noticed another letter, a thicker one, that had fallen on the floor during his searching. Once more he sat heavily on the couch, drinking deeply and opened the folded sheets of paper. As he read the letter he sank deeper and deeper into the couch, he drank more and, blaming it on the wine, felt hot tears drip down his cheeks. He didn't know why he was crying, but by the last paragraph he had to stop- breathe and consider.

> _It is always surprising how effective words are at sorting out my thoughts. The act of writing with ink on parchment seems to calm any storm that begins to brew in my mind. I cannot say with complete confidence that tomorrow will be as defined as today and that my certainty of my feelings towards you will remain consistent in their strength. But I know that you will remain deep rooted somewhere in my psyche. I hope that at least for tonight I will be able to rest with a silent mind and finally sleep._
> 
> _I hope you rest well,_  
>  _Caleb._

Emotional pain was new and Essek had never been so hurt. Caleb’s words were not malicious but the idea of losing him felt like the aching pain of intense guilt. He now knew that both he and Caleb had bared their souls to the other, without ever meaning for the other to see. He realised how different they were, although they both shared the weighted expectations of others- only Caleb was able to fully break from them. Essek was shamed, his shoulders fell with disappointment in himself. He was a fool if he thought he could measure himself against Caleb, the difference between them was that of a crow and an owl. Even though he wanted nothing more than to give in to temptation, to drag Caleb down with him, he could not bring himself to force his affections onto him. Guilt, he did not know why he felt such intense guilt.

Being unable to explain his own thought was foreign territory and Essek was frightened, it was common sense that returned him to his usual path. He thought it best to end anything before it could be formed, he didn’t want to but felt as if he had to. He composed a message in his head before finally casting Sending.

“Caleb, where are you? Describe your location, names, key features, where is the sun? I just received your letter, we should talk.”


	10. We Brush Against the Sunrise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two lonely Wizards finally find some company

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: -----Panic Attack---- please skip the first paragraph if you wish to, just look for the italics and start there.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has been supporting this series, I never imagined that my sappy writings would receive so much love. Everyone's comments have given me such a sense of joy and I am reminded every time I read them how lucky I am to be a part of this community and to watch some nerdy-ass voice actors play dungeons and dragons, especially in this day and age.
> 
> Also here is a link to a piece of music that I really feel encompasses the relationship between Essek and Caleb, feel free to listen to it with or without the chapter or not at all-- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TblfKYYnCN4

Caleb was unable to sleep, his mind couldn’t rest as memories of the past as well as visions of the future kept racing through his thoughts. He had walked some way away from the Nein in an effort for his tears to not be noticed. He hid behind a thick tree, sat on the ground while leaning against the trunk. He wrapped his arms around his knees and attempted to deepen his breathing despite the aching in his chest. It had always been this way, he had never been one to sob loudly or gasp for breath instead it always took a familiar pattern. His face would flush, the heat clambering up from his neck to encompass his entire face. He then would begin to sweat and, while he would focus on not sweating, his chest would be engulfed in the very same heat he was trying to fight. That heat would tighten and grip at his ribs until it felt as if a vice was wrapped around his heart, which would beat violently in retaliation. Then his throat would be tight and the worst part would come, the tears. The tears which he had not yet learnt to fight, luckily he had escaped the camp in time. He began to count the steps he took as he rubbed at his chest trying to dislodged the uncomfortable feeling locked in it, he swallowed to rid himself of the lump in his throat. He searched and searched his mind for something else to focus on other than the anxiety which filled his mind;

_“Caleb, where are you? Describe your location, names, key features, where is the sun? I just received your letter, we should talk.”_

Essek’s voice was collected, he had clearly thought his words through and in the time it took for Caleb to formulate a reply in his head he found himself calming down. He was forced to look around him, take in his surroundings and recall any information he could about the nearby area. He concentrated on his voice as his throat became clear and his reply to Essek came through efficiently, almost smoothly. Once he had finished the sounds of the forest reached his ears once more. The breeze was cool and the call of lonely birdsong was the only music he heard, singing to the beat of his heart which pounded in his head in his anticipation. He found his mind racing for an entirely different reason. Trying so hard to work out what Essek meant by talk. Caleb began to steel himself for heartbreak and started to plan his response when Essek called whatever brief flirtation the two had inevitably off.

There was a flash of arcane energy and sound of twigs snapping to the left of Caleb that disturbed him from any further planning. There in front of him was Essek, looking slightly disheveled, a unique look of pain on his face and a familiar piece of paper clasped in his hand. Caleb stood but made no effort to walk towards the Drow. Essek just stared at Caleb, his eyes travelling over the wizard’s form. Caleb took this opportunity to take in Essek’s appearance; he lacked the usual mantle and instead was dressed in a simple black tunic that was creased and a long deep blue cloak like robe that tied around the waist then flowed to the ground. It was something that Caleb had never seen from Essek, he imagined that this is what Essek looked like just out of bed. Brief flashes of hopeful thoughts followed that trail and Caleb was quick to shake his head out of them.

“Caleb.”  
“Essek.”  
“I got your letter.” Essek’s voice was just loud enough to travel between the two and Caleb ripped his eyes away from Essek as he continued to speak. “I believe it is time we finally discussed some things.”

Caleb still did not reply and kept his head turned down, Frumpkin manifested and began to weave his way between his master’s legs.

“I believe I owe a thanks to Jester for interfering. Without her I am certain that I would never have had the willpower to meet you.” Essek took in the hunched figure before him. There was a defensive vulnerability that exuded from the young wizard in front of him. Essek drew closer to the figure silently yet not close enough that he would be able to reach out and touch him. “Caleb? What is wrong?”

  
“I wrote with such… confidence but you are here now and words fail me, Essek.” Caleb tucked his hands behind his back, fingers gripping the back of his coat. His voice was hoarse and as soon as he spoke he regretted it when his stomach clenched with nerves every time Essek drew a breath in.

Essek felt his lips twitch as he too clasped his hands behind him. “Yes it is a… new experience… talking.” Essek’s words were unhurried and clear. “Although not an entirely unpleasant one.”  
Caleb exhaled, somewhere between a sigh and a laugh, Essek always seemed so composed but his letter contradicted the elegant facade that Caleb saw. He had to know the truth of the Elf’s feelings,

“Am I talking to the Shadowhand or our friend?” He kept his head turned down.  
“Here with you, I am Essek. Just, Essek.”  
“In which case, I think we shall talk.”  
“Indeed.”  
There was silence that stretched on the verge of awkwardness. Neither one of them knew who was to make the first move, or what that first move should be. Caleb tightened his grip on his coat and cleared his throat.  
“Somehow you are more intimidating than the Bright Queen herself right now.”  
“I shall take that as a compliment, Caleb.”  
“So,” Caleb shuffled slightly, “How do we begin this? Shall I talk, say my piece as such and then you say yours?”  
“You are efficient in your methods as always Widogast.”

Caleb averted his eyes from Essek’s slightly taller form before grounding himself, he took a deep breath and returned his gaze to Essek’s with determination filling him, pushing down the churning in his stomach. He pictured the smooth charisma of Fjord and the brashness of Beau in his mind, drawing inspiration from them to say what he wanted to say.

  
“When I wrote that letter to you. I felt more confident in myself than I have in years. I was so certain in my emotions and for once I felt like I knew my mind. When you did not reply I was hurt. I came up with excuses as to why you had not replied and I suppose this is when I started to doubt. I forced myself to dislike you and somewhere that turned into me questioning my feelings to you, which prompted my letter which you read. Things became blurred and I came to the conclusion that I had misjudged my emotions but now… now.” Caleb trailed off. His thoughts had begun to run away with him and he could no longer find the words that fit his meaning.  
“Now things are different?” Essek’s voice was gentle, hushed  
“Yes.” Caleb affirmed. “Now you are here, standing in front of me and my thoughts are all muddled but they all seem to be of you.”

  
If Caleb had been looking at Essek, he would have seen the dark hue which covered Essek’s cheeks and nose. Once again neither knew what to say, the silence stretched out once more this time weighted with a tension that was previously missing. A cold breeze rustled through nearby trees, a few stray leaves floated gently and landed on Caleb’s head- Essek brushed them away as he spoke.  
“You flatter me as always Caleb. I am not sure how to follow… words fail me.”

  
There was silence once more, Essek begged himself to find a way to fill it. He closed his eyes in an attempt to organise his thoughts, pulling through layers of emotions until he settled on calm resolve.  
“I am not a man of good intentions. I cannot sell myself to you as you have already seen the worst which I have to offer. I have no right to stand here and I swore to myself that this would never happen and in all honesty I came here to hurt you. I was going to build you up only to tear you down but it is as you said. Now I am here in front of you and everything has become jumbled, so much so that I cannot bring myself to hurt you.” Essek hesitated, face twisted in thought. “How I feel is complicated but to put it simply. You know more of me than any other being. I think that stands as its own explanation.” Essek turned his eyes to the ground.

  
“But you did not mean for me to know.”  
“And yet I have no qualms with you knowing.”  
“And here I was thinking that you were here to threaten me.”  
“Perhaps I am delivering a different kind of threat.”  
“Swearing me to secrecy?”  
“Something of the sort.” They were facing each other now. Essek’s coy smile was something that Caleb had seen before but this felt like more, it felt sincerely playful. The air itself shifted, the cold breeze became freezing but Caleb felt a fire in his belly which prevented him from shivering. He looked up at Essek and could not help the small smile which stretched his cheeks. There was an undeniable pull that Caleb felt in his chest, a pull that tugged him into action. It seemed that Essek had felt the same.

The two had grown closer. Hands still hidden behind backs, small smiles on their lips. The night was still, stars appeared duller as the moon shone brightly down, catching on the two figures hidden in shadow.  
“Stop floating, Essek.”  
Essek’s figure lowered until his eyes were equal to that of Caleb’s, the soft thumps of feet on the ground interrupting the silence as the hem of Essek’s cloak crumpled onto the ground. Their eyes never lost one anothers and smiles never left their faces. Both seeing the ideal version of the other, both moving subconsciously towards the other and both admitting silently what they wanted from each other. The air came alive with feeling and the breeze carried the subtle scent of anticipation as they finally met.

To the Romantic it was fate which brought the two together, in reality it was Caleb taking two short steps towards Essek- footsteps soft yet unhesitating. This as well as Essek tilting his chin up slightly to meet Caleb- noticing how the moonlight glinted in the human’s eyes, until they closed.

It was gentle, soft- for once there was no urgency in the two wizards’ actions. Hands came slowly to the front and came to rest on shoulders and hips. The two naturally grew closer but there was no desperation, just a quiet acceptance. A sharing of warmth, connection and no thoughts of expectation or responsibilities. There was no life threatening moment, no thoughts of politics, it was just two wizards finally finding a small pocket of peaceful happiness that they both had been searching for for so long.

The two separated slowly refusing to look away from each other and made no effort to increase the distance between themselves.  
“Well for as new experiences go, this certainly beats a gelatinous cube.”  
“I am glad my talents outweigh that of an Ooze.”  
“That was not meant to be an insult, Essek. I apologise.”  
“I am aware, I jest.”  
“Oh…” Caleb huffed a laugh becoming distinctly aware of their closeness, he felt his ears turn pink with heat. “You taste like wine, Essek.”  
“Can you blame me for borrowing some courage.” It was Essek’s turn to blush and this time Caleb noticed the dark hue which stretched across the Elf’s face and took immense joy in how the purple blush reached from the tip of his ears to the peak of his nose.  
“You look like a blackcurrant.”

  
If it was possible for Essek to turn a deeper shade of purple Caleb liked to think that he would have, instead Essek dropped his head to Caleb’s chest in defeat. Caleb responded by wrapping his arms around Essek’s shoulders, enjoying the warmth which spread through him. Essek seemed to feel the same as his arms came around Caleb’s waist and the two remained there for some time. Until reality began to set in for Caleb, the cold breeze returned once more as he muttered into Essek’s hair.

“What now? As much as I do not want to, we have to talk about the future. If there is one?”

  
Essek lifted his head from Caleb’s chest, his eyes catching the moonlight, there was a sincere smile on his face and, although Caleb would not admit it, that smile took his breath away.

  
“Caleb, to be honest there are many facts of logic that go against this but I have learned that emotion cannot be tamed by logic, especially the most ardent of feelings.”  
“I do not follow.” Caleb raised an eyebrow.  
“To put it explicitly, I want to continue whatever connection we have formed. While I may not be able to see you physically I wish to continue our correspondence.”  
“Essek. Say what you mean, bluntly, for once.”  
“You are teasing me.”  
“Perhaps. Still, I would like to hear you say it.”  
“Say what? That I hold affections towards you and would like to pursue a relationship.”  
“Well I was going for, ‘I like you’ but I shall settle for that I suppose.” Caleb smirked.  
“You bastard.”  
“Your bastard.”  
“Alright, that was too far.”  
“Agreed, I apologise.”

  
Caleb laughed briefly, but the large smile which spread across his face didn’t leave. In fact it could not, the feeling of happiness spread across his chest like sunlight and settled somewhere deep within his stomach. He could not have predicted this outcome but despite not preparing for it, this was possibly the best ending he could have hoped for.

They pulled apart from each other slowly as Essek began to complain that his feet hurt and he sat against the same tree that Caleb had been leant against when he arrived. The two talked, sitting side by side, about everything they wanted to. Mostly Caleb telling Essek of the Nein’s many exploits and Essek not believing that Fjord, a man of the sea, would have such an unfortunate relationship with turtles. The conversations sometimes drifted into more serious topics, such as Essek’s position and the future of their correspondence but they both agreed on one thing. That this was to be their secret, a small oasis for only them and that their letters would be sent if possible but they both acknowledged that it was unlikely that they could send them without outside help. Essek convinced Caleb to let him check in on him with a sending spell every other night and that any letters they wrote would be handed over to the other when Essek could sneak away from the Dynasty.

When the sun began to rise they had to part ways. Essek receiving a message from his mother, calling him to summons and concerned that someone in his household would notice him missing. Caleb worried about the ever curious eyes of the Nein. Once Essek had teleported away after a fond goodbye Caleb found himself staring at the sunrise. Saddened that Essek had had to leave before the sun had fully risen but that fact could not dislodge the burning peace that was lit in his chest, looking at the orange-red sky Caleb finally allowed himself to admit that he felt happy.


	11. Wishing for warmth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for the lack of updates for a while, I had to decide which way to take this series. I began writing this out of boredom and never expected people to actually like it, so thank you to everyone who has read this! This has been a chance to escape the monotonous days we are all stuck in due to this pandemic and is one of the very few things that I can say I actually achieved this year. I hope you can forgive this Romantic drivel, I can't help it, I'm a massive sap...

Dear Essek,

So, Travelercon happened- it ended quite suddenly. It went as to be expected, started strong then immediately dissolved into chaos. Leading to a climax where a very angered moonweaver came to throw Artagan (the Traveler) into Fae jail. All in all, an interesting twenty-four hours. But despite all this chaos there has been one thing remaining constant, I must admit that ever since that night we spent together my dreams have been of the same subject. 

Where we lie together under the stars talking, we are honest with each other and then the words we both speak are willfully twisted. I imagine the blush on your face as my words thinly veil their meanings and we say what we mean to say inexplicitly but I like to think that we know each other well enough to understand. I wish to see you again. It is not enough for me to wonder what you have been doing, I want to know how you spend your days.

Are they mostly spent in meetings? Where you hide your boredom under a mask of serenity and hold back yawns behind your cloak sleeves. Never a hair out of place and never without an answer, do you astound people with your reasoning? I miss the small smirk you have when you have put someone in their place or when you are confident in your abilities. Have you faced your brother recently? Did you do as we talked about, although it may be one of the hardest things you have ever done, did you apologise? I assure you that every description you have given me of Verin leads me to believe that he will be swift to forgive, if not there is no favour lost as it seems all you share currently is blood. I wish I could be there to see you apologise, not only as support, but so I can see your smooth features contort against your nature. I can see you averting your eyes to the floor and the tips of your ears turning that dark blackcurrant shade, a humorous sight.

Unfortunately I cannot run straight to Xhorhas, I have things I need to do in the empire, in my home. Unfinished business that I have to at least attempt in order to close this arc of my life. We head out of Rumblecusp today and the Nein have chosen to walk by my side. I hope that I may finish this business swiftly, but I doubt that would be the case. I want to see you, every day I think of the parts of your life I am missing, I know so little about you while I feel you know everything about me. Do you walk to work or do you float? Do people stare, do they recognise you? I want to know your favourite place to eat outside of your tower? Do you have the time to spend just walking through the streets of your home? I like to think that I would make you leave your tower, we would spend an afternoon wandering the streets, shopping for materials, and return by evening to enjoy wine in the library together, listen to the fire crackle and enjoy the silence of one another.

I swear to you that when everything has finished here I will come back to you, even if it is only briefly, I just want to feel you again. ~~I usually only speak this way when I am drunk, one could say that you make me drunk with affection.~~ I will send this letter to you as soon as possible, I understand if you cannot write back to me but I worry that you will have forgotten of my existence before we see each other again. I have let my thoughts run away with me again- forgive me.

Sincerely,  
Caleb


	12. The Promise of a Wish

> _I swear to you that when everything has finished here I will come back to you, even if it is only briefly, I just want to feel you again. I usually only speak this way when I am drunk, one could say that you make me drunk with affection. I will send this letter to you as soon as possible, I understand if you cannot write back to me but I worry that you will have forgotten of my existence before we see each other again. I have let my thoughts run away with me again- forgive me._
> 
> _Sincerely,_  
>  _Caleb_

Dear Caleb,

I have meant to write to you for the longest time now. Somehow every time I sat down to write the words missed their mark and I felt as if every sentence I wrote was not enough to express myself fully. I can assure you that I could never forget about your existence, I believe it quite impossible as you are on my mind whenever it is given a chance to wander. My lack of letter came from a place of insecurity on my part but your letter has given me reason to write back and a confidence in how to do so.

To answer your questions, work has been intense. With the conflict with the empire somewhat resolved our focus has shifted to more domestic ventures. Writing some of them down will probably get me fired but if I do not vent to someone I might just end up shouting at the next person who asks for sponsorship to open yet another magical goods store. It is rare that we open our walls to the people but the Bright Queen has decided, in her infinite wisdom, that since our main concern is no longer the empire that we must turn our attention instead to the common folk. Honestly, the common folk are so dull! All they want is money and they care little for knowledge or exploration. They have the arrogance to stand before their authority and demand that we pay them to drink away their lives. I may sound bitter but there was a time I was interested in humanitarian work and a high percentage of the time those we helped fell right back into their old ways. I gave up eventually. We even had a human from Tal’Dorei ask to open a branch of his store here, all the way in Xhorhas, if you can believe that. He apparently had some famous connections back in Tal’Dorei- not that they would do him any good here… I am fortunate that my job requires me to also keep tabs on the empire, we are not naive enough to believe that decades of conflict have been resolved with one exchange.

I apologise for disappointing you, I have not talked to Verin. Everytime an opportunity rises I lose my conviction. It is an idiotic feeling, this guilt that stops me from even muttering in his direction. How do you deal with this? It feels as if there are spiders in my chest that want to crawl out whenever I even attempt to talk with him. Am I a coward? Probably. Perhaps if you were there with me I would have the courage to face him, wishful thinking.

I understand. I understand your need to close the wounds that have been haunting you for so long. Although I wish I too could see you stand against your oppressors. What a sight it would be! I can see you surrounded by flames, that catch in your eyes and reflect off your hair. I see you rising above those who have plagued you and making them feel everything you have felt since they ripped a part of you away. I wish I could hold them down while you blazed down on them with finality. I would stand by your side, the flames licking at our feet, we stand proudly in a portrait of destruction. My mind runs wild with images of you like this, I apologise. If I can I will stand by you through everything but I am comforted by the fact that your family will stand with you, that you will never be alone. Please keep me updated on any progress you have made, I must ask you also to stay safe. A sentiment which I believe I am not alone in asking. What is the empire like as a place, I am afraid all I have seen of it has been the worst parts. Do you have a favourite place? Is there a town that we would see first if I came to you? I am afraid that I do not know your favourite food and I am curious about the diet of humans, something tells me that spider legs is not considered a usual delicacy.

When you return to Xhorhas I look forward to showing you what I enjoy to do. There is a quaint bookshop which I frequent, tucked away in the Gallimaufry. I usually go there under guise so no one will recognise me, which has happened more times than I would like. We could go to that bookshop and return home to the Xhorhaus to drink in front of an open fire, reading. I am afraid I never really leave my house unless I have to. Which, now that I have written it, is a rather sad statement. I guess I never have had a reason to leave before. I look forward to exploring my hometown with you, we can get lost together. These are all rather Romantic concepts, Caleb, it seems you have more of an imagination than I gave you credit for. It would bring me great joy to fulfil your every desire with you. I look forward to your next letter.

Yours,  
Essek.


	13. Dinner with the Devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb reflects on the dinner he had with Ikithon. (Icky-thong)

Dear Essek,

I am aware that my last letter I sent off only a few hours ago, but so much has happened in this short time. I do not know how to cope with the revelations I have undergone in one evening and I believe that this may be the only way I may rest my mind. I shall start by saying that the details I share in here are likely to be biased and muddled, expect disorder and forgive any mistakes but I cannot seem to wrap my head around anything, past, present and future.

The Nein and I were invited to dinner at Trent Ickithon’s home. He called it a family reunion of sorts, ironic really, but that statement held more truth than I gave it credit. Astrid, Eodwulf and I are family. We compete against one another like siblings, we care for each other without saying it but we are also shackled together by a bond that we cannot break even if we desire to. Ickithon is our father who holds the keys to these bonds, if he were to let us go we could be free of him, free of one another and free from what we each have become.

There were things he said there that made everything that I believed to be true, that I believed of myself, were false. He explicitly said, in his suggestive way, that he had planned everything. From the Institute to my escape and everything that had followed, my every move with the Nein, every choice I have made was part of his plan. That some need to develop through ‘self-discovery’, inspired through hardship, that he made me a great mage by breaking me down only to allow me to crawl my way up from darkness as many great mages had done before me. He stared me in the eyes and told me that he had made me, he had let me become who I am. The worst part is, I believe him. Or I _believed_ him. I do not know which one, my mind flips from one side to another so frequently that even I cannot keep up. It is draining, to chase after myself- I feel like a serpent eating its own tail. He told me that he wished for me to kill him. It was his design for me to kill him and steal his position. There was a time I wanted to do that, my plan for months was to remove Trent from the assembly and start the change in the empire from the inside out. Now I am not so sure. If I kill Trent, I am doing what he wants. If I keep Trent alive, he wins. There seems to be no out of this situation, no right way through these mind games.

Astrid and Eodwulf were no different. They were so close to how I knew them, there were moments of that night where we were three naïve teenagers once more. Yet something was very different. It is almost indescribable. A subtle change in their foundations that shift them ever so slightly from how I knew them which made me second guess their words, their every move. It did not help that, with Trent around, every word you say must be placed in careful neutrality. I believe I mentioned how words are complicated vices, there has never been a truer example of this statement than Trent Ickithon.

Trent is capable of speaking truth under the guise of lies and lies to the rhythm of truth. It is impossible to decipher whether what he says is really the truth or just something that he believes in so strongly he will make it the truth. To be frank, the truth seems like an impossible concept as there is very little of this evening which clarified any part of my history. Instead it has been shaken up once more and I have no idea of what to think anymore.

There is one part of the evening that has stuck with me, it is something Caduceus said. That it is love that makes people, the pain is inconsequential, it is love that saves them. What an optimistic view, that I so badly want to hold merit. It is naive to believe that love from another can make a person whole. I have been with Caduceus long enough to know that he meant love, as in family, friends and love of the self. However it is my belief that love of the self can be taught through the love that others give you. Am I a fool to wish to be taught such love? I struggle to focus on much, ideas of love and hatred are boiling within me. Who knows which side will spill over the lip of the pan first. I will send this letter with Frumpkin once he has delivered my previous one. I wish to share this with you, so that we may discuss.

Yours,  
Caleb.


	14. Calm before the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb writes in reply to Essek just before their fateful trip to the north.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this update has taken so long, Uni kicked into high gear and I found myself very unmotivated to write, but I'm back now (hopefully). 
> 
> From now on this series is going to divert from canon and pursuit its own narrative- just cause I want to! :)

> _When you return to Xhorhas I look forward to showing you what I enjoy to do. There is a quaint bookshop which I frequent, tucked away in the Gallimaufry. I usually go there under guise so no one will recognise me, which has happened more times than I would like. We could go to that bookshop and return home to the Xhorhaus to drink in front of an open fire, reading. I am afraid I never really leave my house unless I have to. Which, now that I have written it, is a rather sad statement. I guess I never have had a reason to leave before. I look forward to exploring my hometown with you, we can get lost together. These are all rather Romantic concepts, Caleb, it seems you have more of an imagination than I gave you credit for. It would bring me great joy to fulfil your every desire with you. I look forward to your next letter._
> 
> _Yours,_  
>  _Essek._

Dear Essek,

I am glad that I am on your mind, it seems only fair that I haunt you as much as you do me. You are the good kind of ghost of course, the type that holds dear memories. Yours is a spirit I do not mind keeping around.

I am not surprised that you have been unable to apologise to Verin, please do not take offense, but it does occur to me that you are unused to apologising sincerely. With everything going on at the moment I do not think it would be possible for me to go with you, but I shall be there in spirit for support. You are not a coward for fleeing guilt, I know many people who have done the same, myself included. I came to terms with the guilt I felt and that is how I overcame it. There are still some days where it feels as though it consumes me but I now have people around me that remind me of how I have changed. Of course, at the moment I am being a hypocrite. Guilt and confusion overwhelm me and currently the only way to calm it is to write to you, so write I shall. I can only recommend practise, perhaps writing an apology down beforehand. But ensure you do apologise in person as a letter can so easily be misplaced.

There is little joy in customer complaints, it sounds incredibly dull but I am glad you have found a way to entertain yourself throughout the long hours. I hope that my image is enough to keep a mind as sharp as yours entranced. As desirable as the image of us surrounded by destruction is, I doubt that we will be burning anything soon. My work in the empire has turned out to be more subtle than even I thought as you will see from the other letter I have attached to this one. We must tread carefully as I believe we are even more involved in the assembly’s business than previously believed.

There is a member of our party who you did not meet, his name was Molly. He passed a while ago but has had a connection that we believe stretches to the assembly. We have no idea what they plan but if he is involved as we believe then the mission is more personal than we could ever have thought. My point is that I am struggling. I feel safe to admit that to you. Emotionally I am exhausted, all I wish for is a reprieve where I can recharge myself and I cannot help but imagine us together under starlight. Close together and warm.

My mind runs away from me, in answer to your questions there is a small dance hall I took the Nein to, a place that I spent many happy nights in during my Academy days. That building held so many memories. Both good and bad, things I wanted to remember and things that I regret. I would love to take you there one day to enjoy a large jug of ale and waltz into the night. If you felt comfortable I would love to take you around Rexxentrum and show you where I spent some of the best years of my life. You are right on all accounts about the spider legs, it is not common place to eat arachnids over here but instead we enjoy a sausage made of any kind of non-arachnid meat. This wrapped in layers of pastry is one of my favourite dishes, cheap enough so a student could afford it yet delicious enough so that you forget how little you spent.

A small bookshop meeting would be delightful, the smell of old books and musty paper overwhelming our senses. Glancing between bookshelves at one another… I cannot help but imagine a world where you are not an official of the Dynasty and I am not a rebellious Empire wizard then there would be nothing standing between us but our own insecurities. What an ideal life it would be to only be limited by selfish reasons instead of chasing goal after goal, kill after kill, enemy after enemy. All I wish to do at the moment is sleep fully, deeply and wake up with a smile on my face- ideally because you would be the cause of it. You, reading a book next to me, mocking my human need to sleep. You, looking perfectly dishevelled, tracing freckles on my arms as I slept. You, teaching me the literature of the Drow, while playing with my hair. Is this too fanciful? I suppose it is…

We head out to the north with our Assembly employer soon, after we have a complete winter wardrobe makeover (Jester is to fault for that). What is keeping you busy at this time? Have you spent long hours working? Please tell me every moment of your day so that I can feel as if I was there with you.

Yours,  
Caleb.


	15. Brothers

> _There is one part of the evening that has stuck with me, it is something Caduceus said. That it is love that makes people, the pain is inconsequential, it is love that saves them. What an optimistic view, that I so badly want to hold merit. It is naive to believe that love from another can make a person whole. I have been with Caduceus long enough to know that he meant love, as in family, friends and love of the self. However it is my belief that love of the self can be taught through the love that others give you. Am I a fool to wish to be taught such love? I struggle to focus on much, ideas of love and hatred are boiling within me. Who knows which side will spill over the lip of the pan first. I will send this letter with Frumpkin once he has delivered my previous one. I wish to share this with you, so that we may discuss._
> 
> _Yours,_   
>  _Caleb._
> 
> _We head out to the north with our Assembly employer soon, after we have a complete winter wardrobe makeover (Jester is to fault for that). What is keeping you busy at this time? Have you spent long hours working? Please tell me every moment of your day so that I can feel as if I was there with you._
> 
> _Yours,_   
>  _Caleb._

Essek had received Caleb’s letters that morning, courtesy of a rather tired looking Frumpkin, and had set them on his desk to return to after his day of work. This turned out to be a mistake. His mind could not focus on the tasks in front of him, instead it fancied itself a poet making up elaborate scenarios in his mind. Images of warm firelight, bookshops and company- he would admit that his mind had once or twice wandered into slightly more explicit thinkings but he would swiftly end those before he lost himself completely. At least these thoughts kept him going through hours of meetings, the anticipation of writing back to Caleb filled his head. However, what did he have to write about? There was very little of his day that he could disclose without dangering Caleb if anyone found out about these letters. Deep down he knew that the only thing that was worthy of a letter was the news of an apology.

That was why he was standing by Verin’s office door, feet twitching under his cloak. Of all the things he had done, knocking on the door here intimidated him the most. His arms weighed as much as his mantle, every movement they made was disconnected from his mind. So when his knuckles made sharp taps on the wood, his joints seized and his whole body tensed. For an age silence rang out, Essek considered moving, he began to subconsciously float away- halted only by the brisk-

“Come in.”

There was no going back as Essek waved a hand to open the door. Breezing through to the scene of controlled chaos. Papers were everywhere, showing various maps and documents in all manner of languages, the piles became higher and higher until reaching their peak at the desk- which resembled more of an ocean of parchment than wood. In the middle of it all stood Verin Thelyss. A tall, well-built, drow that mirrored Essek’s features enough to show familiarity but were all in all broader, with an air of might that Essek found himself lacking.

Verin’s face dropped slightly when Essek walked in, his eyes widened and mouth slackened- in either surprise or disgust, it was hard to tell these days.

“Shadowhand, to what do I owe this pleasure? This is not a scheduled appointment.” He strolled around his desk, effortlessly stepping around piles of paper.

“It’s a wonder you even know your schedule, how you get any work done, with your office in the state it is in. Have you not heard of filing?” Essek immediately regretted the words, his harsh tone made him wince. Verin, however, just looked unimpressed.

“If you have visited me just to insult my process, I must kindly ask you to leave, Shadowhand.”

Essek sighed. Is this what they had become. Two brothers only capable of firing insults at each other, in tones more bitter than lemons and eyes sharper than glass. It was his fault they became this way, his actions caused this rift between them- therefore it was his duty to fix things or at least attempt to. He closed his eyes, let his feet crinkle the papers beneath them and clasped his hands behind his back. When he opened his eyes he tried his hardest to remove any spite or envy from his gaze. He thought of Caleb under starlight, curled in his lap, telling him stories of forgiveness and freedom. The worst thing that could happen is that Verin would laugh in his face and turn him away, what would he lose- a part of his dignity? There was not a lot of that left to begin with. Pride was what he was worried about but, as long as he didn’t let wounded pride fester further hatred between him and Verin, he would lose nothing. Taking a final deep breath he spoke.

“It strikes me, Verin, that every bit of bad blood between us has been my fault and-”

“You notice this now? How many years has it been since father passed away?” Verin’s eyes were swimming with hatred, Essek envied his ability to be so transparent. His jaw clenched from the interruption, this was Verin- how could he have expected this conversation to be easy?

“I…” Essek paused to stare at the ceiling, letting his eyes drift anywhere but at his brother. “I have no excuses. I was a prideful fool, I believe I still am. If you wish to hear my reasons you can ask me any questions you desire. Just let me say something I have been trying to work up the courage to do for months.”

Essek faltered. He had made the mistake of catching Verin’s eyes, which had shifted from pure contempt to a steely regard. It was clear that he did not know what to make of Essek’s sudden change in character, Essek himself was also floundering for words. Something he very rarely had to do.

“You aren’t here as the Shadowhand are you?”

Essek simply shook his head, letting the slight clinking of his earrings bring him a little comfort in the silence.

“In fact, Verin, I have not only come as Essek, but I have also come as your brother. I have come to… apologise-”

“You! Apologise? To me? Am I dreaming? Who are you? What have you done to my brother?” Verin closed the gap between the two, looking down slightly on Essek. Essek narrowed his eyes and floated up until he was slightly taller than Verin. “Ah, using powerful magic for petty reasons, definitely still Essek.”

“If you would stop being a smartass for one moment and let me be sincere I believe you would truly appreciate my sincerity.”

Verin laughed, “Essek, you are capable of many things, but a sincere apology? Never in a million years could I see you feeling enough regret for anything to warrant an apology.”

Essek felt his eyes soften, Verin had a point. He couldn’t allow that, “How’s this for an apology. As soon as you ran out of that door, under my words, I regretted it. I acted upon a jealous impulse that only cemented our rivalry that, I believe now, I invented to satisfy my need for perfection. So, Verin, I am sorry. I am sorry for chasing you away and forcing you to become something you were not, I am sorry for making you chase a lie that ended with the death of your closest friend. I have no idea how I can make up for it, but for now I can only apologise.”

There was silence. As Verin openly gaped at Essek. Essek took some joy in the speechless look on Verin’s face. Verin still said nothing as he moved around his desk, knocking over papers, and flopping onto the crowded chair.

“I believe you.” Verin’s voice was quiet, muffled behind his hand, “I do not know why but I believe you.”

“I do not know quite why either, you have no reason to trust me.”

“What has brought this on? Something must have happened to cause this, did Mother find out?”

Essek chuckled, “No, I just have someone in my life now who has given me a different perspective.”

“You’re seeing someone?”

Essek immediately felt his face heat up.

“You are! Look at you, you’re blushing like a madman! Oh, this is brilliant. Who are they? What do they do? Do I know them? Why haven’t you told-” Verin cut himself off with a loud gasp, before whispering dramatically, “They are someone mother wouldn’t approve of! Essek Thelyss, you-”

“Enough, Verin, We can talk about this later- come to my tower and I’ll see you after work. Now is not the time for this… topic.”

“But-”

“Enough!”

The two stared each other down, Essek slowly lowered himself so that his feet were once more on the floor. Despite Verin being taller than him Essek no longer felt intimidated by his brother. He began to twist the rings on his fingers, counting every other turn as the seconds ticked away. He had reached somewhere around thirty when Verin finally spoke.

“I’ll accept your apology. This isn’t forgiveness but I can accept your words, since you truly mean them.”

“Thank you. I-”

“Shush! I will only consider forgiving you fully if you give me every little detail about your little affair, this evening. I’ll come around. I expect wine and good food, don’t you go skimping on the spider legs now.”

Verin’s mouth was cocked in a familiar half smile that Essek mirrored as his whole body began to feel warm. Was this the forgiveness Caleb talked about, had he found the freedom that he was told about? He couldn’t be sure but whatever he was feeling, whatever name it took, it felt right and it felt good. For the first time since he took the position of Shadowhand he felt as if he had family. Perhaps his mind was running away with itself.

“I will see you this evening then. I will tell the doorman to let you in, if I am not there just make yourself at home.”

Verin nodded, and no more was said.

“This is where you say goodbye, Essek.”

“Ah, yes… Goodbye, Verin. I will see you this evening.” Essek was out the door before he could hear Verin’s reply, head filled with warmth and a small amount of pride. He could not wait to write to Caleb about this.

He spent the remainder of his work day in a fit of productivity, trying to make his work day go faster, unfortunately crime in the Dynasty does not stop when you wish it to and Essek found himself running late. The clocks on the walls seemed to taunt him as the hours got later and later but the pile of paperwork did not seem to go down. It was only when he began sign the documents without reading them did he consider that a break was probably necessary. Besides, there was nothing here that could not be done at home and in his tower. Essek stood from his desk with every joint in his body cracking. He stretched, cursing his centuries old back, as he stared at the door then at the chalk on his desk. What was a little magic when your knees were aching?

10 minutes and a perfect chalk circle later, Essek teleported himself to the base of his tower. While ten flights of stairs up were intimidating to look at, all Essek had to do was float slowly upward. Take his time and think what he would say to Verin, after two or three scenarios played out in his head he landed gently on the doorway to his living floor. He took two steps in when a flustered servant came up to him.

“Master Thelyss, Taskhand Verin Thelyss is waiting for you in your study. He said you were expecting him- I could not stop him, I apologise.”

“I am expecting him, thank you.” Essek began to walk in the direction of his study. Before halting. “Did you say he was waiting for me in my study?” He refused to turn and look back.

“Yes Master Thelyss, I apologise for any-”

“Scheisse” Essek began to sprint for his study door.

The letters, he left the letters on his desk, open, with every intention to reply to them this evening. He left them on his desk, in his study, and he had every faith that Verin being Verin would take this opportunity to gain some insight into his private life. Floating was too slow and Essek cursed his heavy footsteps as he careerened towards his study door. He didn’t even slow down as he barged through the dark wood panelling, only stopping when he made frantic eye contact with a steely eyed Verin, who was clutching a foreboding sheet of paper in his hands.

“Verin, I-”

“Essek. Are these what I think they are?”

“I can explain, I swear to you-”

“Your lover is a human from the empire, a powerful mage from the empire at that. Please, try and convince me not to go straight to the Bright Queen with these. Please tell me that you have not told him of our secrets.”

Essek was frantically sweeping his hands through his hair, the repetitive motion giving him something to cling onto in this desperate situation. Panic was swelling in his chest, he suddenly saw every terrible possibility. He would hang, Caleb would hang, they would be left outside the walls to die. Even worse they would capture the both of them, torture them. It would be the end of their little trist. Their romance would end violently and any pocket of peace he had carved out for himself would be demolished. But Verin was everything Essek was not, he had to have faith that Verin would listen to reason, listen to him and understand that there was nothing malicious here between the two wizards. He would explain and all would be well, he would apologise and Verin would understand. He was the good brother, there would be no ill intent in his actions.

“Essek. Speak.”

“I have told him nothing of the Dynasty, anything I have told him relates to myself and nothing more. I swear to you.”

Verin stalked closer to Essek, his footfalls heavy, knuckles white around those pieces of paper, crinkling the edges as he stared down at his brother. He shook one of the letters out, thrusting it accusingly into Essek’s face.

“Trent Ikithon. This Caleb is a close contact of Ikithon’s, who, correct me if I am wrong- is a high member of the Cerberus Assembly who have stolen the beacons from us, killed us and frequently destroyed our forces. You expect me to react favourably to this? Essek, you have become a fool in love.”

“I am not a fool-”

“But you are in love.”

Essek paused, silence hung in the air. He could finally breathe regularly, his pulse no longer echoed in his ears as he stood tall. His back straight, he took a deep breath, letting his palms relax and fists unclench. He had never thought too deeply on his feelings towards Caleb, he never gave himself the chance to but there was no denying it.

“Yes.”

Yes. He was in love with Caleb Widogast. He had fallen in love with the man who brought such a warmth to his chest, who he would give anything to protect. He knew from the moment Verin’s threatening tone reached him that he would take the plummet for Caleb, he would give everything so that he could live on and finish what he wished to. Essek’s dreams were no longer just his own, his wishes and ambition now encompassed Caleb’s.

“Yes. I love him.”

His tone was the most determined anyone in the room had heard it, it surprised the both of them. Verin especially, who tried to hide his shocked expression under a grimace, but for a brief moment even he faltered in his conviction. In the past Essek would have felt some sense of triumph at besting Verin at anything but he couldn’t bring himself to feel prideful or anything but determination. Whatever happened here, Caleb would not feel the consequences, he refused to let Caleb be played with by another powerful organisation, the Dynasty would not have him.

“I never thought I would see the day where Essek Thelyss would love someone more than himself and his precious research.”

“Please, Verin, you cannot tell anyone of these letters, I am begging you. They are of no harm. You have my word that I will never let any of this reach the Dynasty.”

“I would love to believe you, Essek but I know you are much too selfish for that. Tell me, if you had to betray the Dynasty to save him, would you? Look me in the eyes and tell me that you would tell the Bright Queen about him, if it meant saving our people.”

“I… Please, Verin, you can’t say that to me. I cannot-”

“You would choose him. Do not lie to me, you are a selfish creature through and through. I have no doubt that you would give anything to make sure that he was safe. You would put our country at risk for him and I cannot let you do that.”

“Verin, please, I thought you would understand. You have always been so good! Surely you must understand what I have here is something that I never thought I would gain-”

“I understand.” Verin’s eyes softened. “I understand too well. Which is why I am going to give you an option, cut ties with Caleb-”

“Verin!”

“Cut ties with Caleb, and this little secret will stay between us. It is best in the long run for you and for him. He is risking his life writing these letters as well, consider it is a blessing that I found these letters not mother.”

Verin rested a hand on Essek’s shoulder, pity filled his eyes and Essek felt himself deflate. He sank to the ground, Verin sat with him.

“I am sorry, Brother, but this is how it has to be.”

How could he have been such a fool. To trust Verin. He had finally found something worth holding onto yet now he had to let it go. He had miscalculated Verin's loyalty to their country and their Queen. He had forgotten how simple minded his brother was, everything was so black and white for him and it hurt. Everything hurt. He didn’t speak to Verin as he wordlessly stood, stumbling over to his desk and began writing his final letter. It was only once Verin left for the night did he let himself cry.


End file.
